February Blues

I hate the month of February for many reasons including how it makes “single” people feel even lonelier. Quite frankly, I abhor the extreme sappiness of Valentine’s Day. Come on…if you really love or like someone, you should treat everyday as an “I love you, I want to be with you, You’re the Best, You’re Mine” day. Right? Haha, the more I think about what I just said, the more I think I’m in denial. In psychology, we would label my feelings of denial as reaction formation: when you secretly desire something, but tell everyone else that you hate it. I can’t help but feel extremely envious of all the couples I see around…EVERYWHERE— in love and being able to spend their days with someone who makes them happy and loved. If you have never been in love or really really really like someone…consider yourselves lucky. For me, Valentines day is sheer torture because I know how special, happy and in love all the couples must feel and…I can’t have that. Jealous much, yes dang it, I admit it: I feel an extreme sense of loneliness right now. As many of my friends are spending their day being with their lovers, I’m sitting on my computer feeling mopey about the suckiness of being single.
This week especially as my two besties have talked to me about their growing relationships, I was pleasantly revisited by a flood of memories of my past relationship. They told me about their insecurities, reasons why they like the other person so much, and how the other person makes them feel special, I nodded my head not only because I was in agreement, but because I’ve been there..done that. At times, I found myself chuckling because I totally understood them, or at least I think so. When one of them told me how she felt really bummed out because her guy just stopped talking to her and she missed him so much …I was like “yup, I know how that feels.” It hurts a lot. From how much she missed being her guy that she thought she had little feelings for, she was able to realize how much she actually “liked” him. I advised her to take the initiative to talk it out with him, so that they could be on the same page. And… now, they are spending a wonderful first official date on Valentines date with each other. How cute.
Man, being in a relationship…Those were some good times. I don’t think I have ever been as happy as I was during that year because not only did I have friends and family who loved me, but I had an ultra best friend and boyfriend who loved me for all of my weirdness. Isaac if you ever read this, though it sound super cliché, its really true: “You are the first person that made me feel beautiful.” I was once lost in this bubble where I didn’t know—so much. I was blinded by how much I was missing out in my life and my self-esteem was “zip-zero”. Through my relationship, I have not only discovered how precious it is having another person love you for you…but also, I also able found “myself” in the process. “Being in love is seeing yourself in the other person”… this quote is very true. I never really “loved” myself until now.
Yesterday I was talking to him, and he asked me if my feelings were completely gone: I said “somewhat, but sometimes I feel like I’m in denial when I say that.” Right now, I think my feelings are gone for him, but I miss the concept of just having someone there for you—ALWAYS. I really miss talking to him everyday and just knowing how he’s doing. I miss how he used to “want” to talk to me. I think it was really hard for me to get over him because I was losing my best friend at the same time. I have no idea why I am really tearing up a lot right now, but omgosh: I really just miss everything we used to have. However, I’m not saying that I want to get back with him or have the same feelings for him anymore. I don’t at all, I have moved on—completely. But if there is one thing I want back, it is our “mutual” close friendship.
I admit that I’ve been the weaker person: it just shows how much I care about him still. Since our breakup, I’ve initiated every conversation and every phone call and every message. I wish he would at least just message me and say “ I miss you”. It’s not the same when one person (me) initiates every conversation when the other only replies to be courteous. What the hell is wrong with him? Don’t you ever want to know how I am doing too? Don’t you want to message me on your own? Don’t you ever miss me? Do even you even give a shit anymore? I must mean very little to you… that you would just “forget me” so quickly. My heartbreak/ breakup song was Demi Lovato’s-“Don’t forget”.I cried everytime I listened to that song because I shared her plight.
You still mean so much to me, even if we aren’t together. I don’t hate you, but it breaks my heart to feel that you don’t care anymore. Again, if you do read this Isaac, I want you to know that you took two pieces of my heart: one because you were my first love and the second one is because you were my best friend. How could you be so selfish to take both… when you could have left a piece left by making an effort of being a good friend. What you said yesterday that you would not make a good boyfriend right now, its even more than that: you cannot even be a good friend. I know that you have school, work, and are soo busy…but seriously, how can you not have time to spend one minute to type up something or press the “call” button on phone. Maybe like the title of the movie I watched yesterday night, maybe “ He’s just not that into you, Pauline” Basically, the truth burns. But, like anything else in life: you learn.