the final test

I PASSED with an A+, SON. He got a girlfriend. HOLY SHIT...and I don't care. wow, i love life. Where are you my future hubbbyyyy?

over it.

YAY for me. I think I finally got over him....this time, I mean it. It didn't take another attractive male to distract me, I did it all by myself. That took how many months? NINE..holy, I really liked him.

goodness gracious

i need to write in my diary more. hahahah :) i'm totally slacking.

sad hope

I miss the old you. Why have you become a cocky, ignorant, lazy, and uncaring person? Actually, you have become exactly what I hate. I always have some "sad hope" that you will revert back to our old personality, but you can't--you've permanently changed. COME BACK!

loser: do u miss me or the old me
me: hahahaha
me: i miss you duh
loser: the old me
DAMN RIGHT, I MISS THE OLD YOU.

p-word, g-word, b-word=d-word

These are the words that make me miserable. You're smart enough to guess what the letters stand for.

dissapointments

No joke, boys piss me off. I feel like i get all rattled up on aim because none of this shiat happens in person.
First of all read this conversation:
me : sooo how are u?
douche bag: im alrite
me: well idk how i am untill summer break
douche bag: im liek teughaeug
me: huh?
douche bag: idk alot of up n downs
me: ohhhmmm like wat
douche bag: eh stuff
me: ok..
douche bag: yeah too much to talk about
me: hahaa
douche bag: still gotta get on this paper
me: okdo your paper then
douche bag: haha. ok
me: haha im not
me: lol

FUCK OFF. seriously, holy moly...you imed me and the you tell me you have a lot of ups and downs and then you say that you have to write this paper. I know I'm blowing this out of proportion but first of all: why do you think that I care how you are..and secondly: why do you tell me that you have problems and then say that you are too busy to tell me about them.
I BLOCKED HIM finally, or else i will have to continue to ERASE him from my buddy list eveytime he says something STUPID. omg, i seriously hate him.

OK....PART 2 of my sadness.
J: i hear ur grup is the biggest group of gossipers
me: are you serious,hmmm that sad
J: yeah ..
me: hahaa, wow
J: i heard BIGGEST
J: and all i thought of was U AND STEPHANIE
J: OLOLOLS CAUSE U GUYS ALWAY SGOSSIP TO EACH OTHER
J: HAHAHAHA
me: well we just tell each other wat we hear and yatta yatta
me: but trust, every girl group does it
me: its not like we r soo bad
J: yeah but ive heard SPECIFICALLY PAULINES AND STEPHANIES GROUP
me: hmmm, i guesss. that sucks-_-
me: i never knew i would be labeled gossip queen

Honestly, I was soooo sad wen my friend said this to me. Sorry if I tell everything to my best friends and people who ask me stuf...but who knew that I would be labeled a gossip queen. Goodness, im so ashamed. I promise that in college, I SHALL REFRAIN from the G word.

PROM UPDATE:
Popo is still dateless. -_- so sads, this is sooo ridiculous.

sigh

i hate boys.
f UUUUU seeeee KAYYYYYYYYY!!!!!

hmm music.

i hate it when i listen to songs that i can totally relate to. BUT, the sad part is....that: I could, past tense, I could relate to it. I have so many songs to dedicate to friends, but usually about how we used to be, not how we are now. Am I still stuck in the past, or am I just being reflective?
nevertheless, check out:
those lips-aj rafael
i just want you-aj rafael
showstopper-aj rafael
these are really cute songs :)

things to do for the rest of the month

Spring break is pretty much over. I am very sad because there shall be no more late night convos and all day movie marathons. I wish I could have hung out with ma friends more during my week off, but the break from "society" was pretty great.

Though some personality tests say that I'm extroverted, I am sooooo not. I love my "breaks" and sometimes "socializing" gets really exhausting. As the days keep slipping by, I hope that I at least try harder to make time to relax and have fun with friends. Its soo sad that after this summer, I'm only going to hang out with most of my close friends like 3 times a year.
Anywhoo...
I need to
1. get my UOP wait list materials put together
2. get RELAY stuff going
3. get club stuff going
4. Study lots for AP's...????SHieeet, i haven't done anything all break.
5. starting making prawgress?? for the sake of getting a date to prom?

prom is soo overrated, but i hope someone decides to ask me. If no one asks me, im gonna go to my cousins graduation instead.
Yey me, i have soo much to look forward to -_-.

now...i must procede to hw. fawwwwwwwwk, soooooooo MUCH to do and sooooo little motivation. I hope im not gonna be restless like this forever, or else i'm screwed.

sillyness

Hahaha, this pretty much sums up my life.

half animal-half girl.

I just realized that I have little over 2 months of school left.

I CAN'T WAIT.

I want to intern somewhere or volunteer at a aquarium in crystal cove.

I want to ride a beach cruiser with a basket in the front to the beach all summer.

I want to go to on a fun senior trip.

I want to jump off a very short waterfall.

I want to TRAVEL.

These are seriously ASsss IF I could.

i would if i could. No moneys, No permission, NO GO!

:)

popo feels very content. i love writing good letters and suprising people.

with all this unproductiveness, i have accomplished one thing :) im uberrr happy!

the lunch

I guess this blog is used for only one purpose. It's my outlet to write about my feelings about boys or a boy... if you haven't noticed already. I use my diary otherwise to express myself. To be honest, I'm not such a big fan of blogging because everyone can read it...and I find myself censoring my thoughts half of the time.

Anyways, I shall find more things to blog about as life gets hopefully more interesting.
Ohkays, last week when I was in the middle of writing a blog post about how much I hated how he wasn't talking to me for the longest time...He imed me! I was soo shocked because I had been praying for him to man up and be the one to break the silence...and he did. But to my dissapointment, our conversations were really lacking in the former "deepness" it had been like before. I felt stifled because I had no idea how to talk to him in a friendly manner without making it seem like i was flirting with him. Everything was soo fake and surfacey..you know, like "how r u", "watsup" type convos. SOOO BORING. By the end of the conversation, I was saying weird things again...and just decided its best if I just sign off from aim before I embarassed myself further. So during our convo, I asked if he wanted to have lunch sometime during our spring break and we decided to eat at Islands on Tuesday (today).

I was very anxious to see him, and Idk...wanted to catch up a lot. I also planned a while back to send him my senior column and attach a birthday card along with it for his bday. So since i was seeing today, I decided to sneak it in the front drawer thing of his car.

Description of our lunch:
He picked me up at Mcdonalds and drove me to Islands. When I saw his crippled right hand, i was like "omg...", but otherwise he looked pretty much the same. His hair wasn't gelled or fixed up or anything. The car ride wasn't awkward at all...lunch wasn't either.

We talked about our futures, and about stuffs...deep stuff but Idk, its not the same. In many ways, i was very dissapointed because I missed how we used to talk. I guess when you don't like the person anymore..the spark is gone and like everything seems sooo bland.
He was telling me how he liked this one girl...and i was like I CAN GUESS...the half asian half white girl. I Was CORRECT. I knewwwwwww it!!!!
He also claims that the 'thumb (dumb) video girl" doesn't like him, they are just BEST FRIENDS.
BULL SHIETTTT, didn't he learn his lesson already from his previous best girl friend who really liked him though he was still with me. Ugh, boys are seriously freakin stupid.
Soooooo dissapointing. He also claims that he's a ladies man now, with a lot of cool girl friends. I don't know how to feel about this.

He asked me if I was looking for a boyfriend or anything..and of course im not. Im gonna go to college and my future boyfriend will look for me, not the other way around. I know this is fanciful thinking, but I just need more time until I'm ready to commit. I'm seriously becoming a satist when it comes to love...but o wells, i guess its good until im ready to get into another relationship.

Which leads me into my next topic of discussion:
What my TYPE of guy is:
Physical:
1. cute
2. sporty
3. taller than me by at least 4 inches
4. doesn't hurt if he's a little tan
5. good body (works out)

Personality:
1. nice/ sweet
2. gentleman: open doors and wat not
3. understanding
4. patient
5. respectful
6. funny
7. family oriented
8. motivated
9. sentimental
10. considerate
11. modest
12. knows me and wat I like well


Talents:
1. good at a sport
2. good at singing
3. good at guitar
4. good at writing
5. good at being able to have deep convos
6. good at showing that he cares
7. good at the little things...that make me happy


CANNOT STAND this TYPE of guy:
- guys who think that they are the shit
- guys who think that they can get any girl
- guys who are jerks
- guys who think that they can buy love
- guys who cannot stop being immature
- guys who are not intiative
- guys who don't fall in the category of being a gentleman...i like chivalry
- guys who are little boys...not "man" enough
- guys who are stupid
- guys who are very flirty
- guys who have a lot of close girl friends
- guys who are lazy

HAHA....better luck this month ( im crossing my fingers)

march madness

I've been waiting.
for the intangibles
Its pointless,really.
Causing
uneccessary stress,
increased anxiety,
and
optimism and hope
that have potential
to result fruitlessly.


pauline oh pauline.
you are waiting for 3 things:
1. acceptances (see how good i am)
2. knowing where i'm going ( future)
3. people to talk to me....(ah, i miss you)

If someone would ask me, what makes you dissapointed, I would say:
My greatest dissapointment is finding out how someone that I thought "loved me" (friend love) doesn't. Honestly, it freaking hurts soo much. It's been a month since I've talked to the fool, and I have been strong.

When is the right time to try again? Saving a relationship with him is more important than looking like a clingy ex. I'm willing to look like a fool and fall flat on my face, then just give up on something special.
fuck him if he doesn't care.

honestly, if he doesn't..FML. seriously, I don't deserve that crap.

maybe he doesn't know i want him to call..maybe he doesn't know how im feeling,
maybe he feels the same way...

Why do i always sympathize with my avenger? im just incredibly optimistic and confident in other people.

ugh. i really hope he does something....soon!

To myself,
oh why do i do these things to myself?
whyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy, I must be strong and resist the urge.




ugh, come on now, one day at a time....please.

pauline phan, get over it. seriously!

bye bye from your stupid self,
popo

February Blues

I hate the month of February for many reasons including how it makes “single” people feel even lonelier. Quite frankly, I abhor the extreme sappiness of Valentine’s Day. Come on…if you really love or like someone, you should treat everyday as an “I love you, I want to be with you, You’re the Best, You’re Mine” day. Right? Haha, the more I think about what I just said, the more I think I’m in denial. In psychology, we would label my feelings of denial as reaction formation: when you secretly desire something, but tell everyone else that you hate it. I can’t help but feel extremely envious of all the couples I see around…EVERYWHERE— in love and being able to spend their days with someone who makes them happy and loved. If you have never been in love or really really really like someone…consider yourselves lucky. For me, Valentines day is sheer torture because I know how special, happy and in love all the couples must feel and…I can’t have that. Jealous much, yes dang it, I admit it: I feel an extreme sense of loneliness right now. As many of my friends are spending their day being with their lovers, I’m sitting on my computer feeling mopey about the suckiness of being single.
This week especially as my two besties have talked to me about their growing relationships, I was pleasantly revisited by a flood of memories of my past relationship. They told me about their insecurities, reasons why they like the other person so much, and how the other person makes them feel special, I nodded my head not only because I was in agreement, but because I’ve been there..done that. At times, I found myself chuckling because I totally understood them, or at least I think so. When one of them told me how she felt really bummed out because her guy just stopped talking to her and she missed him so much …I was like “yup, I know how that feels.” It hurts a lot. From how much she missed being her guy that she thought she had little feelings for, she was able to realize how much she actually “liked” him. I advised her to take the initiative to talk it out with him, so that they could be on the same page. And… now, they are spending a wonderful first official date on Valentines date with each other. How cute.
Man, being in a relationship…Those were some good times. I don’t think I have ever been as happy as I was during that year because not only did I have friends and family who loved me, but I had an ultra best friend and boyfriend who loved me for all of my weirdness. Isaac if you ever read this, though it sound super cliché, its really true: “You are the first person that made me feel beautiful.” I was once lost in this bubble where I didn’t know—so much. I was blinded by how much I was missing out in my life and my self-esteem was “zip-zero”. Through my relationship, I have not only discovered how precious it is having another person love you for you…but also, I also able found “myself” in the process. “Being in love is seeing yourself in the other person”… this quote is very true. I never really “loved” myself until now.
Yesterday I was talking to him, and he asked me if my feelings were completely gone: I said “somewhat, but sometimes I feel like I’m in denial when I say that.” Right now, I think my feelings are gone for him, but I miss the concept of just having someone there for you—ALWAYS. I really miss talking to him everyday and just knowing how he’s doing. I miss how he used to “want” to talk to me. I think it was really hard for me to get over him because I was losing my best friend at the same time. I have no idea why I am really tearing up a lot right now, but omgosh: I really just miss everything we used to have. However, I’m not saying that I want to get back with him or have the same feelings for him anymore. I don’t at all, I have moved on—completely. But if there is one thing I want back, it is our “mutual” close friendship.
I admit that I’ve been the weaker person: it just shows how much I care about him still. Since our breakup, I’ve initiated every conversation and every phone call and every message. I wish he would at least just message me and say “ I miss you”. It’s not the same when one person (me) initiates every conversation when the other only replies to be courteous. What the hell is wrong with him? Don’t you ever want to know how I am doing too? Don’t you want to message me on your own? Don’t you ever miss me? Do even you even give a shit anymore? I must mean very little to you… that you would just “forget me” so quickly. My heartbreak/ breakup song was Demi Lovato’s-“Don’t forget”.I cried everytime I listened to that song because I shared her plight.
You still mean so much to me, even if we aren’t together. I don’t hate you, but it breaks my heart to feel that you don’t care anymore. Again, if you do read this Isaac, I want you to know that you took two pieces of my heart: one because you were my first love and the second one is because you were my best friend. How could you be so selfish to take both… when you could have left a piece left by making an effort of being a good friend. What you said yesterday that you would not make a good boyfriend right now, its even more than that: you cannot even be a good friend. I know that you have school, work, and are soo busy…but seriously, how can you not have time to spend one minute to type up something or press the “call” button on phone. Maybe like the title of the movie I watched yesterday night, maybe “ He’s just not that into you, Pauline” Basically, the truth burns. But, like anything else in life: you learn.